M O D E R N L I F E I S A N D Y

Honeymoon and then some.

Posted in Blog by modernlifeisandy on August 4, 2009

Moriah and I got back from our honeymoon two weeks ago. You, dear readers, have my most sincere apologies for taking so long to craft this blog post documenting the experience. Because I know that everyone reading this blog is starved for any and all information relating to my life on a daily basis, I can understand the earth-shaking withdrawals you must be going through right now. For that, I do apologize. What I don’t apologize for are the poop jokes to come.

Although we had originally planned to log the entire trip, there was simply too much to do and so little time to sit down and write about every little detail. We’re satisfied with the log we composed on the plane and during the first day before sailing. We took a very early flight into Vancouver, BC in order to catch our ship. Steph picked us up at about 4:00AM, which means you can only begin to imagine the horror that awaits you with this log. Fair warning.

Travel Log – Day One – Boston to Vancouver, BC

3:00AM: Andy wakes up. It is still dark out. Assuredly, there are drunk people out there that are still working on Saturday night, despite it being Sunday.

3:30AM: Moriah’s alarm goes off.

3:37AM: Moriah wakes up.

3:49AM: Shit. Have forgotten to pack toothbrushes. I suppose we’re going to look like people from Maine after a week of not brushing (sorry, Uncle Gerry.)

4:00AM: Steph picks us up! She is on time. Characteristically, we are not. We enter the car seven minutes later.

4:15AM: We find another car on the road that is not parked. Somehow, it does no realize that the traffic light we are at is, in fact, green. We determine that the operators are till working under the assumption that it is Saturday. They must be high. We dub their car the Weedmobile.

4:29AM: Steph drops us off at the airport and forcefeeds us cookies. They are delicious.

4:37AM: We are in line at the terminal, having checked in with our airline. I tried to swipe Moriah’s passport in lieu of my own to check in. The computer saw through my ruse.

4:39AM: One bag weighs 44.5 lbs. Hurray, we’re under the 50 lb. limit! It is on the conveyor belt and away. The other bag weighs 54.5 lbs. Shit. We have too much stuff. We desperately try to find a way to rid ourselves of 4.5 lbs. I briefly consider leaving Moriah at the airport and making a break for it, but then I remember the problems I had fooling the computer. I rethink my strategy, and we move some shoes into carryon. I am able to make our second bag an even 50 lbs! Go me! The check-in lady is unimpressed. I flex quietly to myself.

5:25AM: I am in line at Starbucks. The lady in front of me is pissed of because her double slamma-lamma ding dong doesn’t have skim milk in it. You’re in an airport Starbucks and it is not even god damn 6AM yet! SHUT UP!

5:50AM: We board our flight. It is crowded. I regret having such long legs. Graciously, Moriah allows me to have the window seat. With fifteen minutes to our departure, we settle in.

6:05AM: Time to fly! Except for that whole “flight being delayed” thing. Apparently, someone got delayed at security (being Boston, this is likely because they woke up late) and the pilot has decided to wait for them.

6:55AM: We finally take off. Our two hour, forty minute flight time is going to mean that we land at precisely the same time as we are supposed to board our connecting flight.

8:00AM: In flight. Moriah has been trying to push me out the window, presumedly my unforseen punishment for taking the window seat. She doesn’t realize this, however, because she is asleep. I regret making room for her as my legs slowly fall asleep, but this serves to reduce the discomfort my long legs are causing me from the cramped space in front of me. Every once in a while Moriah wakes up and a.) puts her neck pillow on my head b.) pretends that her neck pillow is a pair of sunglasses

Kind of like this.

Kind of like this.

c.) makes a face at me. Ah, such love!

8:40AM: Time zone change! For those of you playing along at home, CST is an hour off. It is 8:40 EST, which is the time zone I will log with. Irregardless, we have thirty minutes to taxi up, deplane, and board our connecting flight. Have I mentioned that our flight is already boarding? Good thing there are a half dozen Northwest Air planes at this terminal.

8:47AM: Too bad none of them are our plane. Our plane is at the complete opposite end of the terminal. Shit. We run it.

9:00AM: Thankfully, we arrive in time to board. Moriah claims the window seat, and after the last flight I am grateful for it. We take off on time, and our final leg to Vancouver is underway.

10:29AM: I poop at 36,000 fet. I feel strangely powerful, like I am defying gravity and logic at the same time. Like Spiderman, but with more poop. I think about where my poop could possibly go when I flush the toilet on a plane. I flush, and immediately regret this.

11:02AM: Snacks are served. Moriah has turned my backpack into a squirrel’s wet dream with all the nuts she’s stashed in there.

That's what she said.

That's what she said.

11:24AM: We have arrived safely in Vancouver. To celebrate, while making our way through customs, Moriah savagely flings a hair elastic at several international passengers. She claims it is an accident, but I know better than that. I think she is trying to start World War III with Canada. I won’t allow it! GOD BLESS AMERICA, SON!

Here ends the log of our honeymoon. I’ll post later with some details from the rest of our trip, and pictures!

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One Response

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  1. Mom said, on August 4, 2009 at 9:26 pm

    you are such a comic!


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