M O D E R N L I F E I S A N D Y

Whitewater rafting as told by Linkhart – the moose log.

Posted in Guest Post by modernlifeisandy on July 1, 2009

The following is an account of our recent whitewater rafting trip. Names have not been changed to protect the innocent, and in certain cases there is PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE in place to remove any lingering shred of innocence that might have escaped round one.

moose_logBy Kristen Linkhart

D A Y  O N E

Hour 1:

Things are going well. Manos and I have a cooler between us in the back seat…she better not try to come over my side.

Hour 2: (Although it seems like we have been in the car for days)

Moriah is making crazy claw hands at Andy. There is discussion about eating him first…if it comes to that. One of us will have to learn to drive stick shift.

Crazy claw hands, I tell you!

Crazy claw hands, I tell you!

Hour 3…or 5? (Lost track of time)

Bathroom stop. They have cool signs on the restroom doors.

Clearly, someone needs to go.

Clearly, someone needs to go.

Manos has no idea where we are…there appears to be nothing around for miles. Moriah comments that Maine is a great place to dump a body…if one had the need to do so. Hmmm. Don’t think that I know Moriah as well as I thought. (Note to self: Keep a close eye on Andy this summer…check in at least once every few days).

Hour 6ish:

We have finally arrived. Can’t actually drive up to the cabin due to a Mainese A-hole parking right in the entrance.

Bought moose paper to log the trip.

Arrival:

The booze is flowing! Kevin makes a kick-ass margarita. Anderson is retelling the details of Ridolfi’s party. It sounds like a shitshow…sorry I missed it.

Hour ??? (Been drinking)

There are two chairs and a bench set up facing the shower…what the hell do these crazy Maine people think is going to go on in this cabin?

I guess this is justified. Somehow.

I guess this is justified. Somehow.

9:15 pm:

Diane is dancing on a make-shift stripper pole. It appears to be a stripper pole for anorexics.

I believe that this photo speaks for itself.

I believe that this photo speaks for itself.

10:15 pm:

Diane walks into the sliding glass door for the second time (in two hours). She may have a broken nose. We all agree that she is not going to the ER unless there is blood. Side note: ERs, like full sets of teeth, don’t seem to exist up here. Someone makes the comment that she is a walking Windex commercial. I am hoping that her repeated face-in-to glass-door escapades will overshadow my own door busting debacle.

10:30 pm:

Ridolfi pussies out and goes to bed. We make comments about Ridolfi’s vagina.

11:24 pm:

Manos asks if anyone minds that she is taking off her clothes.

11:30 pm:

Sean takes the first sleeping pill of the night. I think he is trying to rufie himself…maybe a moose will feel him up.

Burke mentions that the outside light bulb is out and should be “replaced with something”…Manos suggests a potato. I think linguisa will work.

12:55 am:

Erin crawls into bed with Laura because, “I’m not feeling well.” Laura responds, “How ‘bout a glass of water?” Her inner voice is saying, “How ‘bout you get the fuck out of my bed, bitch?!”

Sometime later Erin boots. Anderson is glad that she switched beds.

D A Y  T W O

7:30 am:

It is raining again. Fuck. I was hoping not to get wet today. I braid Moriah’s hair…she looks gawjus.

Gorgeous is a difficult word to spell in a New Yahwk accent.

Gorgeous is a difficult word to spell in a New Yahwk accent.

On the River:

Our guide Jay swears like a trucker. He then asks us if we are with a church group. I tell him that we are closer to a Satanic cult. This sets him more at ease.

We practice rowing. Jay says that our side of the raft paddles like a “dyslexic spider.” This will never do. We practice more and get better.

Boat #1 goes over the falls. Things go smoothly. Boat #2 goes over the falls…all passengers simultaneously decide to abandon ship. They quickly decide that this was a bad idea and attempt to re-enter raft. Skarinka floats off down the river…she is the last to be pulled from the icy cold waters. (sounds an awful lot like the Titanic sinking). All passengers survive.

We lug the raft back up the rocks to do the waterfall again. We lose Moriah on the second run. She practically hauls herself back up into the raft. She’s a pro at this point.

I spot a GIANT booger in Sean’s nose. I very politely ask him to shoot a snot rocket into the water, as I cannot sit next to him all day and look at this thing. It is taunting me. It is big enough to have its own personality. I do not exaggerate. Sean complies, but the bat stays in the cave. I am adamant that said booger needs to go. Again, Sean complies, this time by manually digging for gold. Booger on finger tip triggers my gag reflex. I spent the next few minutes dry-heaving, being made fun of by Jay, and assuring fellow raft-mates that I will not puke on them.

We see a moose. We name him Bob.

Boat #1 decides that we will do all of the crazy shit that Jay offers. Even after the scary build up of the new commands. New commands include: “Hold On” and “Hold the Fuck On.” Interestingly, these commands mean totally different things. Another rafting term that he throws out is AMF YOYO (translation: Adios Mother-Fucker, You’re On Your Own). I hope to not hear this acronym being yelled at me today.

We surf the rapids…it kicks ass!

Lunch Break:

Lunch is served. I make the mistake of eating the dessert cookie. It weighs seven pounds. If I go overboard this afternoon, I will sink like a rock. (Note to self: Hold the fuck on later).

Back On the River:

We see a huge spider. We name him Hank. I want to bring him in the boat. He’s big enough to wear a helmet and would probably be a good paddler, what with all those legs. We don’t get to take Hank with us.

We paddle through a water turbine on the dam. My many months of weightlifting are finally coming in handy.

More rapids. Wish they lasted longer. Am having a kick-ass time.

Jay tells us that he was wild in his younger days (duh!). He tells us of an important lesson that he learned in his youth…”Don’t mix the following four things: (1) alcohol (2) strippers (3) hot tubs (4) firearms.” We all appreciate his words of wisdom. Somehow I don’t think Ridolfi will heed his advice…we’ll see.

Sean has another booger. I dry heave again. Moriah moves far away from me in the raft. I move far away from Sean.

Andy and Jon abandon ship to pee in the river. Jay comments, “I don’t raft in your toilet.”

We swim a level two rapid. Moriah reminds me to keep “Nose, toes, and hose to the sky”. This is amazingly sound advice. Swimming rapids is tricky. I swallow mouthfuls of water. Jay informs us (a little late, in my opinion) to time our breaths. He is laughing while he says this. I call him an asshole and then immediately get sucked underwater and dragged across a jagged rock. Karma sucks. I am certain that my ass is bruised.

All parties return to the raft. Adventure continues.

The hardest part of rafting turns out to be carrying the 300 lb. raft back up to the bus… ouch.

On the Bus:

We are cold, wet, tired, and have nasty smelling mold growing in all of our crevices. My body is a walking science experiment. It stinks in here. Ridolfi and I take turns smelling his shirt…smells like dryer sheets. Thank God for small miracles. This could have triggered the dry heaving all over again.

5 pm:

Viewing the rafting photos. Ridolfi looks like he is smelling a fart in every photo. Walking back to the cabin, he comments, “If I eat one more burger, I am going to poop a hoof”.

6 pm:

rafting_034

All the food was on the table, because the fridge was full of beer.

Back in the cabin and the booze is once again flowing…as are the s’mores. There are ten moldy smelling people and one shower. Waiting for Diane to walk into the glass slider again…

Sometime After 8 pm:

Diane gets cranky about still being in charge of handing out the s’more materials. I make the mistake of asking her what kind of bug it was that crawled up her ass. This does not go well. (Note to self: Don’t ask Diane about her ass bugs).

9 pm:

Erika corners Kevin in the cabin and proceeds to badger him about his love life. Poor bastard has no idea what he has gotten himself into. Dear God, please let me fall asleep before she starts in on Sean about his love life!

D A Y  T H R E E

10 am:

In the car waiting to leave. Andy and I discuss what a great movie Starship Troopers is. We disagree over who wrote it. We make a bet. Loser buys lunch on Tuesday. My victory lunch is going to taste soooo good. I’m going to order lobster, as “no price has been mentioned” in the bet.

10:05 am:

Manos is sitting next to me with a towel turban on her head. She has been learning Chinese, speaks Greek, fucks up English idioms, and now is wearing a turban. She is trying to be ‘sheik’.

10:15 am:

Dunkin Donuts stop. Andy is looking up the author to settle our bet, now that we have the slow backwoods Maine internet. We spot the ‘bros’ from the rafting trip in the DD parking lot. I lose the bet. Shit!

Eat it, Linkhart.

Eat it, Linkhart.

12:55 pm:

Still driving. Still raining. Wonder how many times Laura has made Burke stop so far. The flowing rain is probably not helping.

2:20 pm:

Stop at McDonald’s for lunch. After eating, the conversation turns to poop…so typical of Moriah and me.

3:34 pm:

Still driving. Manos asks Dr. Moriah Delano if she can write prescriptions. Wonder what she’s fishing for? (Sidenote: The rain has finally stopped. It is still dark and ominous out).

See a deer on the side of the road. I will name him Henry. I will do this only in my head, as I was made fun of at the campfire for my habit of giving everything a name.

3:40 pm:

Back in Mass. The talk has turned to swamp ass…or raft ass in this case. Again, typical.

4:00 pm:

We find out that Billy Mays has died. We all wonder if it was the yelling that did him in.  That can’t be good for you. I wonder if the ShamWow guy will take over. This will almost surely leave him less time to beat up prostitutes and get arrested. Could be a good career move.

On the Way to Drop off Manos:

Manos answers her phone and immediately begins to yell, at super speed, in Greek. I pick up on the words ‘signal’ and ‘Maine.’ These words apparently do not translate into Greek. Mama Manos is not pleased that there has been not contact for two days. The call ends abruptly.

Home Again:

Pat has a look of dismay on his face as I arrive home. He has almost finished spending the insurance money in his head. There will be no new GTO for Patty-Boy. The boys seem happy to see me.

As a punishment for wishing me dead, I force Pat to listen as I read the MoosePaper aloud and show photos of the trip. He couldn’t be less amused. Maybe next time he will pull up his skirt and join us.

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Part the first, in which Andy attends his bachelor party!

Posted in Blog by modernlifeisandy on June 3, 2009

Saturday

I was never really interested in some full blown extravaganza for my bachelor party. I’m just not that type of dude, and the bar scene is not where I’d find myself on a typical Friday night, much less my bachelor party. However, I’m never against a cool dive-ish bar, and this shindig was no exception. I threw the whole thing together myself, and it was ten or so of my close friends that went out. We hit the Border Cafe in Harvard Square after missing our reservations at Fire & Ice, and I’m totally okay with that considering how delicious their food is.

Mike, Bruce and Jeff enjoying kickass food and beers!

Mike, Bruce and Jeff enjoying kickass food and beers!

We love the salsa. And the guac.

We love the salsa. And the guac.

After the food, we went to Grendel's Den in Harvard Square. Pat and Ethan came to hang out, along with my old roommate Anthony, who isn't in any of these pics, unfortunately.

After the food, we went to Grendel's Den in Harvard Square. Pat and Ethan came to hang out, along with my old roommate Anthony, who isn't in any of these pics, unfortunately.

This is Matt. We yelled "Matt!" at hime because he looks like our other friend Matt. They are not the same Matt, but he hung out with us anyway.

This is Matt. We yelled "Matt!" at him because he looks like our other friend Matt. They are not the same Matt, but he hung out with us anyway.

This is pretty much what the rest of the night looked like.

This is pretty much what the rest of the night looked like.

We had a great time, and overall I wasn’t too hung over the next day. I don’t really drink like I did in college, anyway, so things were pretty smooth the next day. After we had left the bar, Pat, Mike and I went back to my place to play some drunken Rock Band. It was fantastic, and I realized that Journey is a lot more difficult drunk than sober.

Sunday

I picked up my cousin Jason from the airport on Sunday night. He had flown in from California, and was tired, but we decided to head up to the tower in Somerville to check out the view.

Walnut loved Jason but god damn was he not happy right here.

Walnut loved Jason but god damn was he not happy right here.

We were getting ready to go.

We were getting ready to go.

The city looks great at night, that's for sure. Awesome color up here.

The city looks great at night, that's for sure. Awesome color up here.

And of course, we wouldn't have the night complete without some sort of weird camera fuckup.

And of course, we wouldn't have the night complete without some sort of weird camera fuckup.

It’s a bit too late for me to be starting the chronicle of the rest of my month, so I’ll save that for later. Enjoy this taste and check back for the rest of it.

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