Honeymoon and then some.

Moriah and I got back from our honeymoon two weeks ago. You, dear readers, have my most sincere apologies for taking so long to craft this blog post documenting the experience. Because I know that everyone reading this blog is starved for any and all information relating to my life on a daily basis, I can understand the earth-shaking withdrawals you must be going through right now. For that, I do apologize. What I don’t apologize for are the poop jokes to come.

Although we had originally planned to log the entire trip, there was simply too much to do and so little time to sit down and write about every little detail. We’re satisfied with the log we composed on the plane and during the first day before sailing. We took a very early flight into Vancouver, BC in order to catch our ship. Steph picked us up at about 4:00AM, which means you can only begin to imagine the horror that awaits you with this log. Fair warning.

Travel Log – Day One – Boston to Vancouver, BC

3:00AM: Andy wakes up. It is still dark out. Assuredly, there are drunk people out there that are still working on Saturday night, despite it being Sunday.

3:30AM: Moriah’s alarm goes off.

3:37AM: Moriah wakes up.

3:49AM: Shit. Have forgotten to pack toothbrushes. I suppose we’re going to look like people from Maine after a week of not brushing (sorry, Uncle Gerry.)

4:00AM: Steph picks us up! She is on time. Characteristically, we are not. We enter the car seven minutes later.

4:15AM: We find another car on the road that is not parked. Somehow, it does no realize that the traffic light we are at is, in fact, green. We determine that the operators are till working under the assumption that it is Saturday. They must be high. We dub their car the Weedmobile.

4:29AM: Steph drops us off at the airport and forcefeeds us cookies. They are delicious.

4:37AM: We are in line at the terminal, having checked in with our airline. I tried to swipe Moriah’s passport in lieu of my own to check in. The computer saw through my ruse.

4:39AM: One bag weighs 44.5 lbs. Hurray, we’re under the 50 lb. limit! It is on the conveyor belt and away. The other bag weighs 54.5 lbs. Shit. We have too much stuff. We desperately try to find a way to rid ourselves of 4.5 lbs. I briefly consider leaving Moriah at the airport and making a break for it, but then I remember the problems I had fooling the computer. I rethink my strategy, and we move some shoes into carryon. I am able to make our second bag an even 50 lbs! Go me! The check-in lady is unimpressed. I flex quietly to myself.

5:25AM: I am in line at Starbucks. The lady in front of me is pissed of because her double slamma-lamma ding dong doesn’t have skim milk in it. You’re in an airport Starbucks and it is not even god damn 6AM yet! SHUT UP!

5:50AM: We board our flight. It is crowded. I regret having such long legs. Graciously, Moriah allows me to have the window seat. With fifteen minutes to our departure, we settle in.

6:05AM: Time to fly! Except for that whole “flight being delayed” thing. Apparently, someone got delayed at security (being Boston, this is likely because they woke up late) and the pilot has decided to wait for them.

6:55AM: We finally take off. Our two hour, forty minute flight time is going to mean that we land at precisely the same time as we are supposed to board our connecting flight.

8:00AM: In flight. Moriah has been trying to push me out the window, presumedly my unforseen punishment for taking the window seat. She doesn’t realize this, however, because she is asleep. I regret making room for her as my legs slowly fall asleep, but this serves to reduce the discomfort my long legs are causing me from the cramped space in front of me. Every once in a while Moriah wakes up and a.) puts her neck pillow on my head b.) pretends that her neck pillow is a pair of sunglasses

Kind of like this.

c.) makes a face at me. Ah, such love!

8:40AM: Time zone change! For those of you playing along at home, CST is an hour off. It is 8:40 EST, which is the time zone I will log with. Irregardless, we have thirty minutes to taxi up, deplane, and board our connecting flight. Have I mentioned that our flight is already boarding? Good thing there are a half dozen Northwest Air planes at this terminal.

8:47AM: Too bad none of them are our plane. Our plane is at the complete opposite end of the terminal. Shit. We run it.

9:00AM: Thankfully, we arrive in time to board. Moriah claims the window seat, and after the last flight I am grateful for it. We take off on time, and our final leg to Vancouver is underway.

10:29AM: I poop at 36,000 fet. I feel strangely powerful, like I am defying gravity and logic at the same time. Like Spiderman, but with more poop. I think about where my poop could possibly go when I flush the toilet on a plane. I flush, and immediately regret this.

11:02AM: Snacks are served. Moriah has turned my backpack into a squirrel’s wet dream with all the nuts she’s stashed in there.

That's what she said.

11:24AM: We have arrived safely in Vancouver. To celebrate, while making our way through customs, Moriah savagely flings a hair elastic at several international passengers. She claims it is an accident, but I know better than that. I think she is trying to start World War III with Canada. I won’t allow it! GOD BLESS AMERICA, SON!

Here ends the log of our honeymoon. I’ll post later with some details from the rest of our trip, and pictures!

Whitewater rafting as told by Linkhart – the moose log.

The following is an account of our recent whitewater rafting trip. Names have not been changed to protect the innocent, and in certain cases there is PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE in place to remove any lingering shred of innocence that might have escaped round one.

By Kristen Linkhart

D A Y  O N E

Hour 1:

Things are going well. Manos and I have a cooler between us in the back seat…she better not try to come over my side.

Hour 2: (Although it seems like we have been in the car for days)

Moriah is making crazy claw hands at Andy. There is discussion about eating him first…if it comes to that. One of us will have to learn to drive stick shift.

Crazy claw hands, I tell you!

Hour 3…or 5? (Lost track of time)

Bathroom stop. They have cool signs on the restroom doors.

Clearly, someone needs to go.

Manos has no idea where we are…there appears to be nothing around for miles. Moriah comments that Maine is a great place to dump a body…if one had the need to do so. Hmmm. Don’t think that I know Moriah as well as I thought. (Note to self: Keep a close eye on Andy this summer…check in at least once every few days).

Hour 6ish:

We have finally arrived. Can’t actually drive up to the cabin due to a Mainese A-hole parking right in the entrance.

Bought moose paper to log the trip.

Arrival:

The booze is flowing! Kevin makes a kick-ass margarita. Anderson is retelling the details of Ridolfi’s party. It sounds like a shitshow…sorry I missed it.

Hour ??? (Been drinking)

There are two chairs and a bench set up facing the shower…what the hell do these crazy Maine people think is going to go on in this cabin?

I guess this is justified. Somehow.

9:15 pm:

Diane is dancing on a make-shift stripper pole. It appears to be a stripper pole for anorexics.

I believe that this photo speaks for itself.

10:15 pm:

Diane walks into the sliding glass door for the second time (in two hours). She may have a broken nose. We all agree that she is not going to the ER unless there is blood. Side note: ERs, like full sets of teeth, don’t seem to exist up here. Someone makes the comment that she is a walking Windex commercial. I am hoping that her repeated face-in-to glass-door escapades will overshadow my own door busting debacle.

10:30 pm:

Ridolfi pussies out and goes to bed. We make comments about Ridolfi’s vagina.

11:24 pm:

Manos asks if anyone minds that she is taking off her clothes.

11:30 pm:

Sean takes the first sleeping pill of the night. I think he is trying to rufie himself…maybe a moose will feel him up.

Burke mentions that the outside light bulb is out and should be “replaced with something”…Manos suggests a potato. I think linguisa will work.

12:55 am:

Erin crawls into bed with Laura because, “I’m not feeling well.” Laura responds, “How ‘bout a glass of water?” Her inner voice is saying, “How ‘bout you get the fuck out of my bed, bitch?!”

Sometime later Erin boots. Anderson is glad that she switched beds.

D A Y  T W O

7:30 am:

It is raining again. Fuck. I was hoping not to get wet today. I braid Moriah’s hair…she looks gawjus.

Gorgeous is a difficult word to spell in a New Yahwk accent.

On the River:

Our guide Jay swears like a trucker. He then asks us if we are with a church group. I tell him that we are closer to a Satanic cult. This sets him more at ease.

We practice rowing. Jay says that our side of the raft paddles like a “dyslexic spider.” This will never do. We practice more and get better.

Boat #1 goes over the falls. Things go smoothly. Boat #2 goes over the falls…all passengers simultaneously decide to abandon ship. They quickly decide that this was a bad idea and attempt to re-enter raft. Skarinka floats off down the river…she is the last to be pulled from the icy cold waters. (sounds an awful lot like the Titanic sinking). All passengers survive.

We lug the raft back up the rocks to do the waterfall again. We lose Moriah on the second run. She practically hauls herself back up into the raft. She’s a pro at this point.

I spot a GIANT booger in Sean’s nose. I very politely ask him to shoot a snot rocket into the water, as I cannot sit next to him all day and look at this thing. It is taunting me. It is big enough to have its own personality. I do not exaggerate. Sean complies, but the bat stays in the cave. I am adamant that said booger needs to go. Again, Sean complies, this time by manually digging for gold. Booger on finger tip triggers my gag reflex. I spent the next few minutes dry-heaving, being made fun of by Jay, and assuring fellow raft-mates that I will not puke on them.

We see a moose. We name him Bob.

Boat #1 decides that we will do all of the crazy shit that Jay offers. Even after the scary build up of the new commands. New commands include: “Hold On” and “Hold the Fuck On.” Interestingly, these commands mean totally different things. Another rafting term that he throws out is AMF YOYO (translation: Adios Mother-Fucker, You’re On Your Own). I hope to not hear this acronym being yelled at me today.

We surf the rapids…it kicks ass!

Lunch Break:

Lunch is served. I make the mistake of eating the dessert cookie. It weighs seven pounds. If I go overboard this afternoon, I will sink like a rock. (Note to self: Hold the fuck on later).

Back On the River:

We see a huge spider. We name him Hank. I want to bring him in the boat. He’s big enough to wear a helmet and would probably be a good paddler, what with all those legs. We don’t get to take Hank with us.

We paddle through a water turbine on the dam. My many months of weightlifting are finally coming in handy.

More rapids. Wish they lasted longer. Am having a kick-ass time.

Jay tells us that he was wild in his younger days (duh!). He tells us of an important lesson that he learned in his youth…”Don’t mix the following four things: (1) alcohol (2) strippers (3) hot tubs (4) firearms.” We all appreciate his words of wisdom. Somehow I don’t think Ridolfi will heed his advice…we’ll see.

Sean has another booger. I dry heave again. Moriah moves far away from me in the raft. I move far away from Sean.

Andy and Jon abandon ship to pee in the river. Jay comments, “I don’t raft in your toilet.”

We swim a level two rapid. Moriah reminds me to keep “Nose, toes, and hose to the sky”. This is amazingly sound advice. Swimming rapids is tricky. I swallow mouthfuls of water. Jay informs us (a little late, in my opinion) to time our breaths. He is laughing while he says this. I call him an asshole and then immediately get sucked underwater and dragged across a jagged rock. Karma sucks. I am certain that my ass is bruised.

All parties return to the raft. Adventure continues.

The hardest part of rafting turns out to be carrying the 300 lb. raft back up to the bus… ouch.

On the Bus:

We are cold, wet, tired, and have nasty smelling mold growing in all of our crevices. My body is a walking science experiment. It stinks in here. Ridolfi and I take turns smelling his shirt…smells like dryer sheets. Thank God for small miracles. This could have triggered the dry heaving all over again.

5 pm:

Viewing the rafting photos. Ridolfi looks like he is smelling a fart in every photo. Walking back to the cabin, he comments, “If I eat one more burger, I am going to poop a hoof”.

6 pm:

All the food was on the table, because the fridge was full of beer.

Back in the cabin and the booze is once again flowing…as are the s’mores. There are ten moldy smelling people and one shower. Waiting for Diane to walk into the glass slider again…

Sometime After 8 pm:

Diane gets cranky about still being in charge of handing out the s’more materials. I make the mistake of asking her what kind of bug it was that crawled up her ass. This does not go well. (Note to self: Don’t ask Diane about her ass bugs).

9 pm:

Erika corners Kevin in the cabin and proceeds to badger him about his love life. Poor bastard has no idea what he has gotten himself into. Dear God, please let me fall asleep before she starts in on Sean about his love life!

D A Y  T H R E E

10 am:

In the car waiting to leave. Andy and I discuss what a great movie Starship Troopers is. We disagree over who wrote it. We make a bet. Loser buys lunch on Tuesday. My victory lunch is going to taste soooo good. I’m going to order lobster, as “no price has been mentioned” in the bet.

10:05 am:

Manos is sitting next to me with a towel turban on her head. She has been learning Chinese, speaks Greek, fucks up English idioms, and now is wearing a turban. She is trying to be ‘sheik’.

10:15 am:

Dunkin Donuts stop. Andy is looking up the author to settle our bet, now that we have the slow backwoods Maine internet. We spot the ‘bros’ from the rafting trip in the DD parking lot. I lose the bet. Shit!

Eat it, Linkhart.

12:55 pm:

Still driving. Still raining. Wonder how many times Laura has made Burke stop so far. The flowing rain is probably not helping.

2:20 pm:

Stop at McDonald’s for lunch. After eating, the conversation turns to poop…so typical of Moriah and me.

3:34 pm:

Still driving. Manos asks Dr. Moriah Delano if she can write prescriptions. Wonder what she’s fishing for? (Sidenote: The rain has finally stopped. It is still dark and ominous out).

See a deer on the side of the road. I will name him Henry. I will do this only in my head, as I was made fun of at the campfire for my habit of giving everything a name.

3:40 pm:

Back in Mass. The talk has turned to swamp ass…or raft ass in this case. Again, typical.

4:00 pm:

We find out that Billy Mays has died. We all wonder if it was the yelling that did him in.  That can’t be good for you. I wonder if the ShamWow guy will take over. This will almost surely leave him less time to beat up prostitutes and get arrested. Could be a good career move.

On the Way to Drop off Manos:

Manos answers her phone and immediately begins to yell, at super speed, in Greek. I pick up on the words ‘signal’ and ‘Maine.’ These words apparently do not translate into Greek. Mama Manos is not pleased that there has been not contact for two days. The call ends abruptly.

Home Again:

Pat has a look of dismay on his face as I arrive home. He has almost finished spending the insurance money in his head. There will be no new GTO for Patty-Boy. The boys seem happy to see me.

As a punishment for wishing me dead, I force Pat to listen as I read the MoosePaper aloud and show photos of the trip. He couldn’t be less amused. Maybe next time he will pull up his skirt and join us.

To be honest, about that epic blog post…

Seriously, forget it. On second thought, having some ridiculous post spanning pages and pages of bullshit to recap the last month and a half of craziness is just way more than I’d like to get into at this point in my life. I’ll throw a few pictures up from the various forms of revelry that have occurred over the last month and a half, but the pictures will do the real talking anyway. I couldn’t even begin to describe all of the events that I documented over the last month, and I don’t really want to bore anyone with the minute details. Suffice it to say, I got married and I couldn’t be happier. Really! Everything in the new apartment has been going smoothly and fantastically. There have been some huge changes in my life, but chances are if you’re reading this you already knew that! Consider this my first step forward into more recent happenings (thanks @patrickgriffin for convincing me to do the same instead of running a plain old backlog of stuff).

Moriah, Katie, myself, and some others attended the AIDS Walk in Boston on Sunday. It was a lot of fun, and even though I wasn’t running (Moriah and Katie did the 5K) I still enjoyed the beautiful weather that we had in this city for that day.

We gathered up and checked out the ridiculous crowd.

We met this kickass dog while waiting for the race to start. This is Fred.

Even the balloons were into it!

All the runners (read: NOT Andy) were getting ready. I decided I was just the official photographer to make myself feel better. To that end, I did have one of the race organizers come up to me later and ask for the pictures.

We had to walk a little ways to get to the starting line. All of my actual race start pictures suck, so this will have to do!

Moriah running at the finish! She did awesome!

Later, we stormed the Whole Foods tent and got all kinds of free shit, including this unfortunately named drink which wasn't half bad.

Finally, Moriah decided to show off her sweet Kung Fu skills.

Part the first, in which Andy attends his bachelor party!

Saturday

I was never really interested in some full blown extravaganza for my bachelor party. I’m just not that type of dude, and the bar scene is not where I’d find myself on a typical Friday night, much less my bachelor party. However, I’m never against a cool dive-ish bar, and this shindig was no exception. I threw the whole thing together myself, and it was ten or so of my close friends that went out. We hit the Border Cafe in Harvard Square after missing our reservations at Fire & Ice, and I’m totally okay with that considering how delicious their food is.

Mike, Bruce and Jeff enjoying kickass food and beers!

We love the salsa. And the guac.

After the food, we went to Grendel's Den in Harvard Square. Pat and Ethan came to hang out, along with my old roommate Anthony, who isn't in any of these pics, unfortunately.

This is Matt. We yelled "Matt!" at him because he looks like our other friend Matt. They are not the same Matt, but he hung out with us anyway.

This is pretty much what the rest of the night looked like.

We had a great time, and overall I wasn’t too hung over the next day. I don’t really drink like I did in college, anyway, so things were pretty smooth the next day. After we had left the bar, Pat, Mike and I went back to my place to play some drunken Rock Band. It was fantastic, and I realized that Journey is a lot more difficult drunk than sober.

Sunday

I picked up my cousin Jason from the airport on Sunday night. He had flown in from California, and was tired, but we decided to head up to the tower in Somerville to check out the view.

Walnut loved Jason but god damn was he not happy right here.

We were getting ready to go.

The city looks great at night, that's for sure. Awesome color up here.

And of course, we wouldn't have the night complete without some sort of weird camera fuckup.

It’s a bit too late for me to be starting the chronicle of the rest of my month, so I’ll save that for later. Enjoy this taste and check back for the rest of it.

The Most EPIC Blog Post in the History of the World

So the last time I posted anything of significance, I was twelve days out from my wedding. So much has happened in the month and a half that followed that post, and it would take me ages to type it all. However, because I just spent an hour paying bills (curse you, married life!) I am in desperate need of some sort of break. I’ve been paging through all the pictures from the last month or so that are sitting on my camera, and I’ve narrowed it down from the original idea of a minute-by-minute recap into the smorgasbord that is about to assault you. Please try and enjoy, and I’ll do what I can to keep the stupid jokes to a minimum.

Twelve days…

… until my wedding. It’s a pretty insane concept, and both myself and Moriah and strangely calm about the whole thing. Likely this is due to shock that we’ve survived over nine years together, but I can only speak for myself. We’ve been filling our time with trying to finish setting up the new apartment. Things are coming along nicely, and we spend the past two weekends transferring our stuff from my old room in Plymouth to the new digs in Davis Square. The kitchen finally looks like a kitchen, and I am itching to try the new coffee pot. I’ll posti pictures of the whole thing as soon as everything is settled in. That includes the new TV, which we will buy, damnit!

I went home for the weekend to do some more wedding finalizing and to have Easter brunch with the family. I didn’t really take photos while I was home because I was too busy stuffing my face with food, but I did snap a few when I got bored.

Twelve days, and four more days of teaching until vacation. Very, very excited. Here’s to hoping that this week flys by!

Courtney and Olivia spent some time playing with phones, exactly what I would expect them to be doing!

Mom, always the conversationalist!

Poor Jeff was barely awake. He was out until 3:00am and didn't sleep until 4:30!

School-related updates

Even though this post won’t be filled to the brim with pictures, I decided I’d make it anyway. There has been a lot going on recently with my own school work, especially putting together my ridiculous license binder and my masters binder. BUT, I’m finally done with both. Last night I got my masters binder approved for submission to Fitchburg State, so my masters degree is in the bag and I just have to wait until it shows up in the mail.

My license binder has been through its initial check, and I’ll be done with the course in July. Two observations, a few months, and I’m done!

Friday night hangouts

So between all the stupid, motherfucking bastard asshole work I’ve had to do on my initial license binder for school, I popped in and out of the apartment proper to spend some time with Steph, Randall (who is being blogged by the second person in a short while, thanks Jeff) and Chris.

The crew.

Walnut joined, too. He's A PILE OF FAT.

He was not having it.

Neither was this fucker!

Chinese was had.

OM NOM NOM NOM

OM NOM NOM NOM NOMMMMMM

We made some weird cake-in-a-mug. It was alright.

Cake.

Cake!

Moriah’s Birthday Extravaganza

So before we finished painting on Sunday, Moriah’s mom and dad brought up a lasagne and cake for us to eat at the apartment. Lauren and Ryan stopped by, which was nice. We ate food and cake, and then headed back to our current apartments. On Monday I took Moriah to dinner at Fire & Ice in Harvard Square. It was an awesome Monday.

Waiting for our dinner to finish cooking.

FEED ME

We got some drinks while we waited for food.

And Moriah couldn't handle waiting for the sauce to be ON her food.

My first course.

Moriah's.

It was fucking delicious.

Moriah went camera happy on the ride home and I'm pretty sure she blinded a couple of pedestrians with the flash.

Red light Myspace photos, fuck yeah!

Moriah opened her present from my parents when we got back to her apartment.

It was smelly stuff for the apartment! Yayz!

We tore into a package we had got from Macy's.

And Basil tore into the recliner.

It was one of our nice place settings!

In jubilation, Moriah threw a handful of packing peanuts at my face.

We got our desserts from Finale after we had dinner, and brought them home for later. LATER HAD ARRIVED.

Deliciosity.

Moriah started off pretty tame, but soon the dessert got the best of her.

I'm thinking about making this photo my new desktop background.

We did a lot of shit for a Monday night. Fire & Ice is a great restaurant, and it turns out Monday is college night. If you have an I.D. they give you half off your meal, which amounts to chump change for the all you can eat style they bring at that place. Do it up.

Painting, Part Two

Real quick painting update, to get the boring shit out of the way. Moriah and I finished up the second coat on Sunday and spent an hour working on the trim. We’re gonna finish this week so we can be done and ready to move in. Shit looks hot.

I went on the attack as soon as we started. It was early, and I was fucking cranky.

We finished the master first, since it was the biggest pain in the ass.

Master part deux.

Moriah spent a few moments thinking about challenging me to a duel.

After weighing the pros and cons, we fought. She won (but I let her win, since it was the day before her birthday.)

We just need to finish up all the window sills and trim in the place, and then we’re ready for moving in. The wedding is coming soon so we have lots to get done first!